Wading Through Grief

Advice for coping with the Loss of Your Best Friend

By Jennifer Quasha

Taken from Dog Fancy p. 36 March 2010

 

“She really was going downhill” says Janine Adams, a professional organizer in St. Louis, of her beloved 8 -year-old Standard Poodle. Scout, whom Adams called a “child-substitute” dog, was dying of kidney cancer.

As Adams and her husband painfully rode out the ups and downs of Scout's seven month illness, she hoped that Scout would die peacefully in her sleep. “I kept thinking, 'Maybe she'll be gone when I wake up.'” Having to make the decision to put her dog down seemed too much for her.

But it didn't work out that way. Adams and her husband had to take Scout to the vet to be euthanized when she stopped eating and touch became painful to her. Losing Scout left a gaping hole in their lives, but having another dog at home helped.

“Thank goodness we had Kramer,” Adams says of their other Standard Poodle. Having Kramer helped fill the silence. After dealing with Scout's death - and two others since then – Adams has learned how to deal. “I need two animals in case one dies,” she says. “They help with the grief.”

Grieving the loss of a much-loved pet is universal, personal, and intense. “Pets are really members of the family,” says Susan Cohen, D.S.W., director of counseling at the Animal Medical Center in New York. “Pets get many of the same privileges that family members do.”

Cohen has worked with more the 25,000 people since1982, Pet bereavement counselors like Cohen ofter hear that the grief felt over losing a pet is worse than losing a family member. Cohen explains why: “When someone dies, you always have regrets, but with the humans we always find a way to put some blame on the human- out of self protection perhaps,” she says. “Pets are seen as innocent and dependent.”

Move through the stages

Grieving is a complex process. People often go through a number of stages.

• Denial is when we don't want to believe what is happening. It's a defense mechanism we use to try to protect ourselves from the hurt we know we will one day feel. It hits first-time dog owners more than those who have been through a pet's death. If a pet gets lost never to return, his owners often go through worse denial than those whose dogs become sick and die, Cohen says.

• Anger sets in after denial or when reality sets in. According to Cohen, the anger can be at yourself or at other people, such as anger toward the driver who hit your dog, at yourself for not doing “the right thing,” at a vet for a missed diagnosis, or at a loved one who is not being supportive.

• Sadness is the stage we associate most with grief. When an adored pet dies, the owner often suffers more anguish than he or she can imagine. Sometimes it's hard to eat, sleep, or concentrate normally. People tend to keep falling back into the sadness stage.

“Just when you think you are OK, you stick the key into the door and it all comes back again.” Cohen says. “You circle back through the stages.” Cohen says sadness often hits during quiet, unstructured time.

• Acceptance is the final stage. The griever recognizes the loss and is able to look forward. Memories of life with the pet can be celebrated, and getting a new dog, not a replacement but as a new companion, becomes a possibility.

  How long it takes to progress through these stages will vary by person and the individual situation. First-time dog owners might take longer to grieve because it is a new experience, whereas dog owners who have gone through this before already know what it takes to heal.

Use tools to cope

“The minute I was in the car by myself I'd be crying again,” says Elizabeth Cutting of Smithville Mo. Who wrote about the death of her Golden Retriever Joey in Chicken Soup for the Soul: What I Learned from the Dog (Simon & Sschuster, 2009).

Cutting had a difficult time after Joey's death. “I felt like a part of me was gone,” she says. “Three weeks after Joey died, I was still not functioning,” Coping is indeed hard, but there are steps to take that have been shown to make it easier.

Cohen says preparing yourself for the inevitable helps a lot. “Don't be morbid, but be conscious,” she says. Notice that your dog is slowing down. Be aware of life's stages.

“I was very aware that Golden Retrievers have about a 12-year life expectancy.” Cutting says “As Joey got older, I made a point to savor being with him.”

Discuss with your family what you might do in the event your dog gets terminally sick. Start gathering information, and build a set of circumstances that you feel comfortable with. “You cam a;ways change your mind,” Cohen says. “You can't control life or death, but you can control the situation. Try to grab a breath to make the best decision {especially with euthanasia}, you are likely going to feel like you should have done something else,” Cohen says. But if you have a plan it will help. “When it's over, you can remind yourself why you did what you did,” she says.

Also, consider ways to mark your dog's passing. Plant a tree in his honor, collect his things and donate them to a shelter make a scrapbook of his life, or hold a memorial service.

Cutting made a list of the lessons that Joey taught her like “live in the moment,” “forgive mistakes,” and love uncomplicatedly.” Despite his being gone, Cutting says, “I hold dear the gifts he gave me with his life.”

If needed, get outside help

In a perfect world friends and family would help you after death of your dog, but in reality the often don't. “Sometimes friends and family expect you to just “get over it,”Cohen says. And even if your family is supportive, it isn't always enough.

You may get better help from “virtual strangers since the have no vested interest in seeing you happy,” Cohen says.

Pet loss support groups , counselors, online chat rooms, and hotlines, many free of charge can help. Depending on your bond with your dog and the other relationships in your life, you may need professional help if your suffering gets in the way of your normal functioning in life.

One thing is for sure: When grief is expressed, the healing time is shorter. So, take time to mourn your lost friend and do whatever you must to move toward acceptance.

 

Jennifer Quasha is the editor of the upcoming book Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery for Dog Owners (2011).